This life is a TEST

Can we talk?

Frankly?

With all the events going on in our life, I'm numb. Maybe numb is not the right word... maybe it's more like - "eh, another thing gone wrong. Big deal."

I'm wondering what refining God knows that I still need... because I want to hurry and learn it so I can end the travesty.

So let's talk about compassion. In my history, I have not ever been a really compassionate person. I try to help others, but I easily come up with excuses on why I'm too busy a lot of times.

So, here I am. Since August, I have been the recipient of countless acts of service and love. Most of which, I have wondered if it was turned around, and I was the one who had to give the service, if I would have. It's an honest question... And one that I've pondered and decided that I probably wouldn't have. But now, after experiencing the charity of others, I have resolved to help where I can - because now I have a better idea on how to succor those who stand in need.

So Charles lost his job. He's had bad luck with jobs since we've been married. We've had a lot of marital problems because I've not been able to be compassionate with him. I've been angry and bitter about the Jana thing on top of lack of job security. I've been upset with having to go back to work while my children are young. I've had a hard time forgiving him. And when he lost his job Friday, I realized the only thing I have control over is my reaction.

We have no savings. We have no idea how this will work out.

But on Saturday, we were in the car, and I looked over at Charles, and I could sense that he's on the cusp of breaking down. And my heart melted. The last thing he needs is me reminding him of what he already knows.

(Jana and Charles have been emailing back and forth and she wants us to go away and if we go away, she told us she would immediately stop requesting money from us. She wants Charles to agree to adoption when the time arises. We suspect she's already married. So, in a way, our financial stress may let up regarding this - but I won't get excited until it actually goes through. Talking about it is one thing, doing it is another.)

Also, my sister, Jenny, has been in the ICU for a few days. My sister and I are like night and day. We've never really gotten along and I've had a lot of anger towards her for perceived trespasses from our youth as well as I haven't agreed with how she's made decisions about her well-being. Well, she has been very sick. She has been diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver (she will need to eventually get a liver transplant to live), plus a really bad case of pneumonia, plus a bladder infection, thrush, and a blood infection. She's really lonely in the hospital and her daughter turned 7 on Saturday.

It broke my heart. We visited her in the hospital and I had to repent for my anger. She's going through hell and she's facing death. She's getting better, but she has a long road of not feeling 100% because of her liver.

My life is beautiful. I appreciate my health. I appreciate my job. I appreciate my healthy children. I appreciate my warm water and indoor plumbing and indoor heat and my car... etc. I can go on and on about the things we don't have, but in reality, I could go longer about the things we DO have.

How can I turn a blinded eye any longer? I can't. I went into the ICU and massaged Jenny's feet and head and moved her legs since she is shaking so badly, she hasn't been able to even lift a spoon to her mouth.

I've encouraged Charles to pursue an out-of-the-box job because the cubicle-thing just isn't working for him for whatever reason. Before cancer, I would have probably fought and yelled at him every second of the day.

I guess I'm on my way to learning compassion. I say "I'm on my way" because I have my human moments and human days.

Although this life is meant to give us trials, I'm happy to see that my trials are improving my thought-process and my compassion.

I'm doing everything I can. I'm working my butt off, so we'll see what the next problem is.

I'm guessing Jana will go back on her word. I'm fully expecting that.