Breakdown today...

(I thought this picture was funny....)

So I had a breakdown today. I went to my surgeon, Dr. Naylor, for a post-op visit regarding my lumpectomy and he asked if I was doing a "port" and I said that no one really discussed it with me and he said I should, so we have scheduled yet ANOTHER surgery for this Friday, 9/21 to install a "port". It is an implant in your upper chest wall so that every time they have to draw my blood or insert an IV, they don't have to stick my arm... which can weaken my veins. So I guess that's a good thing. BUT ANOTHER SURGERY?!? I just started tearing up. It's a "simple" surgery, but it scares me. I went home and the baby was crying because he was in the car and the house was a mess and I'm so stressed out about getting so many errands done before chemo starts and NOW THIS? I wondered, "Who is going to watch the baby on Friday?" "Who is going to take me to the hospital on Friday?" I screamed in pure frustration and then I just fell to the floor and bawled and told Heavenly Father that I was just DONE. I told him I can't do this anymore. I just can't. I don't want an implant for 6 months. I don't want another scar. This is too much. I quit! I can't do this chemo crap.

Then I got back up and fed the baby and tried to sleep, but the baby was ornery and I just sat there, depressed. And my mom knocks on the door and tells me she will take FMLA from work to help me out. And then Alicia from work called and left a message (because I was with my mom) telling me she's thinking about me. And then Charles' sister, Ann, called and let me know she will help and my breast cancer friend, Ginger, texted me and said she could help out. And then Charles' parents called. I was just floored at the outpouring of love that Heavenly Father sent me. I felt that once I was at my limit, Heavenly Father took over.

I researched the port on the internet and here's what it had to say:

Your oncologist may recommend that you have a port or "port-a-cath" inserted in your upper chest wall (the space between your collarbone and your breast) to make chemotherapy easier and more comfortable for you. What? More surgery? Don't panic. This is a simple, same-day procedure that doesn't require general anesthesia. You will have a chest X-ray to confirm that the port is positioned correctly. When chemotherapy is over, the port can be removed quickly in another same-day procedure.
---The port is about the size of a quarter, only thicker, and will show only as a bump underneath the skin. There are several benefits to having a port:
---No need to find a vein every time you receive chemo. A special needle fits right into the port, so all you feel is the stick—not the poking, prodding, and false tries in your arm. The nurse may numb the skin first with ice or a cream, to lessen any feeling at all.
---A port may be especially valuable for women who might be experiencing some swelling of the arm on the side of their surgery.
---The medication goes right into the main blood supply entering the heart, so it can be sent quickly and efficiently to all parts of the body.
---Some types of chemotherapy can be very uncomfortable if injected into a vein just under your skin. The port avoids this potential discomfort.
---Getting blood for blood tests can usually be done through the port, decreasing the number of times you need to have a vein "stuck."