****this posting is my inner-most feelings and they're uncensored, so be aware...***
Charles and I are living in absolute CHEMO HELL.
I feel like crap. Every time I eat, I get nauseated or my stomach gets too empty and I get nauseated. I keep throwing up. I am having death and dying dreams all the time. I have constant headaches, I can't rest. I am having breakdowns. Charles is breaking down. He is so tired of trying to do it all. My mom helped out a few days and that kept us sane, but now, I am just a wreck.
Every time I think of medicine, I get nauseated. I threw up in the car today, because I got upset while I was driving. I am so sick. I am in torture. It's never-ending. Do I really need to keep doing this? I am so sick...so sick.
I look like crap, I'm losing my hair anyway, so why do it? Everytime I go somewhere, I want to lash out at people and say, "move! I have cancer and I feel like crap!"
My whole world is spinning and Marci had to take Aaron this afternoon because I can't be a competent parent on top of all of this. I feel so alone. I feel like no one else can understand taking care of a newborn when you feel like death. I can't do this anymore. I can't! I don't want to. It's too hard.
My face is swelling because of the steroids they put in my system... can this all truly be helpful for my well-being? I am seriously having doubts.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
CHEMO HELL
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2 comments:
Hi Kristy,
I can't even begin to imagine what hell you are going through. It is so hard being a mother without cancer, sickness, thoughts of death, and feeling helpless. I have no words of wisdom or words to take away the pain. I only have for you my deepest heartfelt prayers and continuous thoughts about you and your family. You are an amazingly strong woman. No matter what you think and how mad you get. You STILL are amazing. And you have every right to feel the way to do. Be angry, sad, exhausted etc. Let your body feel those feelings. Don't hide those feelings. You are aloud to feel anyway you want and don't let anyone tell you any different! I just wanted to let you know that we think about you often and will keep you close in our hearts. Stay strong and my the Lord bring a bit of rest and relief for you today!
Love always
Tami and family
Tami,
Thank you so much for your comments and your dinners and your love. Your family is so wonderful to us. I'm glad Steve was there to help with Aaron's baby blessing.
-Kristy
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